honor | reverb
05.13.06 : 22:22 "i don't mean it"
i can't stop shaking. don't be surprised if i'm giving up on you.
i let the beast in too soon, now i don't know how to live without his hand on my throat, i fight him always and still
oh darling it's so sweet you think you know how crazy i am?
i let the beast in and then i even thought about forgiving him but his disease i'll fight again and again.
am i going to let this be my life?
am i going to let this kill me?
i can feel my body turning inside of itself.
my stomach hurts so much i can't even move. i feel like there's a fucking monster eating my body.
which there is, ironically.
there is a maze, it's rooted like an evil strangling tree from the south african savannah. it's curling through my head and crushing the life out of everything i knew to be true and i wait for the chance to pull it the fuck out,
but then everything will collapse onto itself and i won't have the structure, i won't have the frame of mind. no basis, no ground, no past.
i need to get far away from here, where its self-fulfilling divisions are not a part of my identity. it twists meanings on their way to be processed, it mangles images i see and think i can believe but they're not reality,
and no matter how many existential crises i suffer from i'm just going to wind up wicked fucking dead. what's the rush? am i a coward? am i afraid there's nothing else out there for me (other than a padded cell and an i.v.)?
i am not dependent, i am not reliant on anyone -
i just want company.