honor | reverb
11.14.06 : 17:24 "disappearer"
the time to grow up has come, and it's now or never.
it's impossible to maintain any relationship, nevermind a long-distance one, without honesty and effort. yes, there's a certain amount of confrontation embedded in that, but the fear of confrontation should take a backseat to the, you know, wanting to be close to someone and sharing your emotional and mental intimacies with them. especially when you've been dating fofr 3 1/2 years.
i'm entering the breaking point, we need to fix this now, i just can't handle it anymore, i've been trying to handle it for a year and a half and maybe that was my mistake. i've been straining to forgive and help him through it but my forgiveness is being forgotten and he's turning his back to my desperate attempts to make it tolerable for both of us.
who lies about shit like that.
my heart is in the pit of my stomach and i get a "i don't know what's wrong with you."
don't even sound happy to hear from me, don't even try to help me... and i constantly try to help you... doing the nice things that are easy to do (even if the consequences are hard. but that doesn't earn any credit because there's no understanding of consequence or intent anyway, and no desire to learn).
maybe that's why i got sick today. stress.
i feel like if i said we have to fix this now or that's it, he'd walk. and that makes me uneasy too, and i wonder why i can't deal with the perversion of that reality.
the anger has dissipated. now i'm the kind of sad i get when i go to sleep alone.