honor | reverb
01.29.06 : 16:27 "harriet tubman or harry potter?"
i thought i'd start writing every day. i thought i'd read more, and make enough money to not have to plead my parents to buy me food. i thought i'd be happy enough not to carry on with these antics. i thought i wouldn't want to leave.
but i do, and i can't determine if it's because i'm so used to moving around or if it's because this really isn't working. i mean, i go to school from 9-4 monday, wednesday, friday, and work 7 hour shifts and the coffee shop the other 3 days. once a week (or so) i do both.
i guess it's not surprising that i'm not happy, especially since neither of the two are particularly redeeming. this isn't the life i want. i feel like i'm waiting in line for my condo and volvo.
i mean, i must be a big snob if i'm not happy. i have the most angelic man in the world. i have the cutest apartment in the city.
maybe there's something else i need to change.
every day i want to tell people, and every day i'm afraid they'll find out. lately, however, it's been more of the latter.
shit's been happening with bryan. he doesn't deserve it, but it's like - there's a certain balance in the world. he hasn't had a lot of awful things happen to him, so when the shit came, it was a whopper.
i miss sapphire.
but i want a gecko.
and a nice bottle of wine.
why is it so hard to relax?
i thought i'd like school. i wanted to take french, play lacrosse, learn the next level of music theory, start organizations, etc.
none of it can happen where i'm at. not in a worthwhile way, at least.
the strange things have started again. numbers everywhere! my friend came home, she's been gone for a month. i hugged her for a long time when i saw her, but then i left without saying bye.
but i want, i want, i want.
i can't stop going to college because i've got nothing else going for me. i can't quit my job because i'll have nowhere to live.
am i really painted into a corner, or is it imaginary?