honor | reverb
2005-11-08 : 6:35 a.m."eiffel tower"
i forgot to register. i can't vote. fuck, fuck. even if i can stop being mad at myself, the guilt will probably smother me forever.
my mom came into the apartment yesterday. i've been seeing a lot of my parents recently (which i like), but i thought it was going to be the other way around. i thought i'd be moderately isolated independent and that bryan would be in close contact with his family.
being with my mom yesterday was wonderful.
i'm crying now, remembering. she did everything i always wanted her to do. i couldn't believe how loved i felt. i cried all day. she came over and brought me flowers. she cut them and put them in my mason jar.
she hugged me and kissed me and told me everything was going to be fine, that i was doing a good job. she washed, dried and put away the dishes i couldn't do. she gave me some money. we went to my favorite thai restaurant and she got us dinner. i tried not to cry. the waitress said that i was "so sweet, she's just a wonderful girl.."
when we left, i told her "i feel like such an embarrassment... i feel like i've let everyone down... if i had just gotten myself together, i'd be at yale now, and no one would have to worry about me, and none of this would have happened, and i'm so sorry..."
and in the street, she did what i always hoped she would, what i wanted her to, she said, loudly,
"don't you EVER, EVER say that you are an embarrassment, don't you EVER say that you are ashamed, we are SO PROUD of you, you are the best kid i could ever want, i would never, ever, ever want to trade you for anyone - even if i had the choice
(stressed laugh) - you have accomplished so much that most people never could. i am so, so proud of you - if anyone EVER tells you you should be ashamed, don't listen to them, just don't, don't listen to them, i don't know who would say that, but if they did, you should come tell me and i'll box them inthe nose... you are NOT an embarassment to yourself, you should be so proud, you should know how proud we are of you..."
we caused a little scene. people were staring. i was crying into her shoulder. i was crying a lot. she took me by the hand and got me back to the apartment, and we put our leftovers away.
i needed to take a shower, but couldn't, because of my hand.
my mom washed my hair for me. and conditioned it. and blow-dried it. and we watched the gilmore girls together. and she re-wrapped my hand.
we ate candy. i didn't go to class.
i love my mom.
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