honor | reverb
2005-12-20 : 9:15 p.m. "reading"
i'm turning black and grey inside. i can't feel anything but a big knot of sadness, confusion, fear and reluctance. everything is getting blurry. i'm reaching my goals, but they're not making any difference.
every little thing is scary. i'm feeling things i've never felt before. i'm letting everything break. i'm watching myself break it.
i don't know where i stand. i can't breathe in all the way. i know people are looking down on me - people i want to impress. why does it matter?
no money.
there's a present i want to give myself. a pair of jeans i already have, but am afraid to wear. paper denim 24s. 24 seems so huge. so enormous. who is a 24?
and then i remember, mary-kate is supposedly a 25. which means this is still all in my head. i'm either self-conscious about looking too big or too small. i just wear my fat pants and am happy that they're my fat pants.
you know how you can see a storm in the far distance?
there's a black hole, somewhere i can't find because it's growing and sucking everything into it and it's changing location and growing and twisting...
where am i going?
maybe i'll go to the gym tomorrow.
i got into this student leadership organization. hurrah, i guess. let me go to bed. maybe i won't... wake up.
i need direction.
why can't christmas just go away? i hate christmas. it's a fucking pathetic consumer holiday from which all sentiment has been removed. it's expensive and cold. it's dramatic. it's always
those people telling me how far i am below them.
i get that... everywhere.. now.