honor | reverb
2006-01-13 : 12:00 a.m. "NORMAN MAILER, I'M PREGNANT!"
i put all my eggs in one basket, refuse to sell them, they rot and i suffer the consequences.
ironically boring.
this time in a week i'll be back at school, and i'm dreading it so much i can't sleep. all i want to do is drink my gin and tonic and shut everyone out of my life.
i had a dream last night. there was a girl with long, tangled, knotty hair, blood on her face, big eyes. holding her arms up like as if anticipating arrest. she was tired and couldn't have weighed more than 60. there was red everywhere.
the red was the red from the venue in new hampshire.
i don't want this.
i ask to fix it, i beg to fix it, because i don't have the tools and i'm told YES, O.K. (like every time) and no changes are ever made.
the one constant in my life is that people never hold to their word.
i can't handle classes and work.
i'm thinking about quitting my job. i'm not the psychotic liar they think i am - i really AM psychic and really HAVE grazed death over five times - i really DID go to three high schools and i am so trying to transfer to a school in the ivy league.
they think i dreamed it up. after my manic episode the other day, i think they'd have a hard time believing me. i just look like a big ol' crazy.
i don't want to do this.
school is a waste of time. it's work that's non-rewarding - i can't believe i'm paying for it.
i want to quit. i don't want to tell anyone, though, because i don't have a name for being able to "stick around." it's funny, because i've been with bryan for almost 3 years and that's never been a problem, yet people love to pin the "committment issues" on me. does that even make sense? i mean, isn't it easier to believe that i've just gotten fucked repeatedly?
so i bust my ass for friends that refuse to even pick up the phone and get hurt when they ignor me. then i refuse to answer to those who i don't consider close.
what right do i have to complain?
god, i'm not taken for granted. i up and vanish. if something happened to bryan, i'd have no foundation in anything. no one (other than he and laena) are there for me. not a soul.
do i like it that way?
how, does a girl at the age of 18 (who is NOT a single mother) end up with this many responsibilities? i can't buy a drink, and yet i'm stuck with this.
wish me luck, because i'm getting out of here.
NORMAN MAILER, I'M PREGNANT!