honor | reverb
2005-11-13 : 9:53 a.m. "nico"
my mom hasn't been the same since her mom died, five years ago. everything was messy. she stopped feeling like she could trust herself, and in that, started asking to be taken care of through her behavior.
i called her this morning, about half an hour ago. she said,"no one's asking you to make it on your own." she cried, but it sounded so angry. i didn't know what i did. how was i supposed to know what i did? i just called to tell her something that was really important to me. she was offended because i didn't ask her how she was before i launched into it.
and i just feel terrible, now, in the pit of my stomach, worse than i did last night.
because it is the fifth anniversary of my grandmother's death today and the fifth anniversary of the day i lost my mom. i didn't know.
i remember the plane ride to the funeral. "if you don't have an eating problem, then eat this piece of chicken." it was about 1" x 1". it took me close to 20 minutes to get it into my mouth. i puked it in the bathroom a few minutes later. when i got there, i was shaking all the time. my hair feel out in chunks. i cried hysterically because i was forced to eat broccoli soup after my lips turned blue and my knees kept buckling at the funeral. i was distraught about losing granny, but i could feel what was happening. i kept hoping she'd pull out of it. she didn't.
i loved my grandmother a lot. everyone did. i still do, and i know my mom still does too.
the day she died changed everything. it paved the path i was forced down. remembering a time before hurts. i sorta wish i didn't have those memories.
and when we talked half an hour ago i felt like i am the only thing responsible for my mom's pain.
but how can something like that be my fault?