honor | reverb
04.19.06 : 09:35 "mention"
i don't know what i'm feeling. i honestly don't know what to do.
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i know what i want. i'm not going to get it, and everyone knows.
i'm lucky. i'm happy. (i hate myself so much) i want to stay up all night singing and dancing alone.
i feel the need to explain.
we went to sleep in the middle of a fight.
he hates being put "on the spot" (he hates when i ask him to respond (in any way) to something important that i said). but he doesn't say anything, and if he doesn't respond, i'm not going to be able to talk any more (how can you open up to someone who shuts you out (by blocking themselves from having a response)?). i'm trying to prevent that from happening, and maybe i shouldn't be. i feel hopeless about it, anyway.
i'm cornered.
--> tell him i need to be taken care of, tell him how to do it, watch him not do it and not remember what i told him, feel hurt because i'm being rejected in two huge ways, feel hurt because suddenly he's very upset at himself and we try to solve his disappointment in himself
--> pretend i don't need his help, prevent the feeling of rejection from him and repress pain (which comes out in other ways, obviously)
-->try to take care of myself, fail, hurt myself. he doesn't notice the whole cycle happening.
--> turn to others, risk weakening the relationship