honor | reverb
2005-12-12 : 3:35 p.m. "maneuver"
i disgust myself.
i can't understand why i'm doing this, why i look like this, why i feel like this, why i'm paralyzed by everything? mistake after mistake, i can do less and less. take that thing that was due this morning, for instance. i can't do it. i can't think.
my body started eating my muscle yesterday. i could barely walk. i was shaking and hot and cold... there was nothing i could do. bryan took me out to dinner at an upscale japanese restaurant, and a really scary man asked us for change. i don't have any money most of the time, but when i do have it, i give it to people on the street. i didn't have anything. when we were in the restaurant, he came up to the window, stared at us, nodded, smiled, flipped us off and spat.
i don't know why
i do this.