honor | reverb
2005-12-02 : 12:17 p.m. "escape"
i have nothing to do, nothing to do...
a buildup of emotion and half a pack of cigarettes.
it's just... i'm constantly exhausted, i don't know why i need to justify all of my actions. there's no point to any of it, so why bother to explain & excuse?
just
so i thought i'd bring my computer to school and work during this break i have between classes. instead i did everything else. i have no motivation, no desire to succeed, nothing but a need to be embraced. why do i need everyone's approval? why am i so desperate? why do i feel the need to corner myself? why can't i stop changing my mind?
i stayed in bed for ten hours. i didn't sleep. i had work... like i do now,
but i'm not doing it. as a form of punishment, i guess.
"and you're holding your breath for the rest of your life..."
but i can't explain anything. i can't figure it out. i can't understand anyone. i can't forgive myself. i can't control myself.
but what can i do? surely i can do something?
i can put things out of my head. not all things, but some.
i can smoke without feeling bad about it, sometimes.
the people i want to be close to, and am getting closer to, are standing out from the crowds.
"maybe he lost control fucking with the radio, but i bet the stars seem so close at the end.."
just
start again