honor | reverb
07.02.06 : 18:37 "cotton balls"
i feel very detached.
i don't have any attachments to people, other than my mom, at the moment. i'm trying to stay in touch because i don't want to lose contact, but i don't really care either way. it would be nice to have friends, but i'm not that concerned about it.
maybe i should be.
i'm very unhappy with the notion of walking home from the pru alone on the fourth of july and watching some shitty fireworks special on tv. the fourth of july is one of my least favorite holidays, actually, but i can remember every single one dating back to the age of 5. this one isn't looking very promising. i've called and messaged a handful of people, but i haven't heard anything back. whatever, maybe i'll get to stay late at work.
did i seriously just consider that?
no, i don't want to scoop ice cream for an extra 4 hours next to some woman from the magic wok trying to get innocent bystanders to taste some of their toxic chicken.
not that i would know, but i'll assume it's toxic.
i went to the futureheads last night with leah and bryan. i really liked hanging out with her, leah, i felt like we were on the same plane. or a similar one, at least.
i got to thinking that i have the wrong attitude about a lot of things. what i need is not some time off, not a two-year-long nap. i need stimulation. high energy music, books, friends, experiences.
yesterday, my co-workers told me that i'm "so angsty." this only upset me because i try to make a point of being friendly and personable when i'm there.
i wasn't mad at them, though, or hurt by it. it's true. yeah, so?
i missed my period. i normally have some... trace... of one, but this time there was nothing. jack shit. it's sunday now. i'm going to assume that this is because i'm unhealthy, and not because i'm pregnant, because that's impossible (right?).
i'd like to un-eat this huge meal.
i read for alex today. it upset her a lot, because i told her she was going to get back with her old boyfriend, which was what she secretly wanted.
boys. ha.
the package of cotton balls (300, thank you very much) is next to my computer. every time i see it, i feel nauseous. i only ate about 20, but god, i'll think again before i take a sip out of any broken glass.
i'm starved for contact. i went on a fifteen-minute rant at work about how this wrapping paper is discussing the blatant disrespect this culture has for the environment and how classist the suburbs are, the leaves couldn't even fall to the ground without getting caught in power lines.
i was embarrassed once i shut up.
they laughed for a really long time.
it was funny, yeah, in the "holy shit, what a crazy bitch" kind of way.
i met a real-life pirate today.
more graveyard adventures?
my phone is getting cut off very, very, very soon. they said they were cutting it off last week, so i sent the generic "i'm not going to have a phone anymore" message to the 5 people i ever talk to. it hasn't even gotten cut off yet, which is embarrassing (drama queen, eh? i just wanted to be respectful and let them know that i'd be out of touch) but good in its own right.
i'm sure it will go tonight.
this apartment is filthy.
this mood i'm in is so unattractive.
hopefully i won't go and pull some shit-ass stunt like i did (2 weeks ago, was it now? no, it had to have been 3 or 4, because things are almost healed now) after one of those crazy fights b and i had.