honor | reverb
06.20.06 : 00:55 "chicks and cocks"
for some reason, getting what i want feels like as much as a punishment as being harshly denied it.
no matter what it is, i don't feel that i deserve it. give me something good, i'll hate myself because i'll feel like i've deceived you. give me something bad, and i'll feel misunderstood and underappreciated.
i wanted to go to bed together, but i had to wash my face, this and that...
what am i thinking?
i'm thinking this should all go back to the store, dinner included, and that i should go to bed at some point before i have to be at work. i feel like i'm a spoiled, sick, snobby, destroyed bitch of a chick who doesn't give a shit either way because she's fixed on being miserable.
what if i go to london?
i turn to stone when you don't tell me what you feel.
"your ghosts are mine as well..."
i have to pick. i gave him enough control to make me.
i'm so pathetically and unforgivingly scarred. dropping a 70 lb stone sculpture (more than 90% what i weighed at the time) less than half an inch from its resting place. knowing things in my heart that my brain scoffs at, and vice versa. being in charge until the boss shows up. having nothing to count on.
there's only a mess here?
there is this taste in my mouth. i haven't had it in hours but it just returned, to make me feel dirty and worthless. i feel terrible when i punish myself, and i use self-punishment against myself because so many people are rooting for me.
you're separate.
completely different worlds.
i just want you to know that, which i know you do.
and i know, tomorrow will be like today was, losing my patience, crying in the bathroom, praying for sickness, waiting for a response.
i want you to tell me.
i'm ready to listen.
are we prepared for this?
oh, shit, it's ten past one, i'm listening to this fucking awesome song and i'm remembering how severely i feared for my life on the fung wah. i'm remembering what i thought about this time 24 hours ago, i recall what i dreamt of last night.
"purist,"
as i eat my fried thai food and wonder why my clothing is tight.
i dare you to take initiative.